This is simply my story and while I realize it is only mine... there wasn't anyone there to help me see it differently.
Until now. And yet, I still feel it is important for me to release what is boiling within.
I woke up this morning after drifting off for a few more minutes. In that floating space I heard a man say, "I'm sorry to inform you but there's been a write up in the paper." Then I woke up and immediately sensed your passing. I lie there wondering if I were right. This isn't the first time I've had this happen. I'd say it's been happening a few times a year for probably a decade.
What happens next is usually different every time but the under current feelings are the same. Sad! Really, really sad. I wonder if it's true and then I think about all the years we didn't have a relationship. I question my memories and their validity. Did I do something wrong to make you stop speaking to me? Is it possible that everything I imagined was a lie? Maybe the abuse I see in my mind never really happened... am I crazy? Did I make all of it up and that is why you left?
Then I remember... I don't care if you did those things or not. I just want my dad. I forgive you because I forgive my Self. I know that every thing I've done that is judged as bad was a cry for love. Simply put, my little girl, my inner child is still seeking for the love she believes she lost. I've witnessed and worked with hundreds if not thousands of people and Know with my heart of hearts that we are all holy innocent children of God. Children of the Universe and you are no different. You too are worthy of MY love. As I am of yours. The mistakes you made never changed the illuminating brilliance of ME. I thought it did for a really long time. I believed that I was unlovable because you and my mom didn't fight harder to be "better." I now know that is not true. You both did and are doing the best you know how. But as a little girl and my now inner child... she forgets. a lot!
And so today... for this moment, I am sad. And afraid. I'm afraid that one day after waking from another dream that my search of the internet will prove your passing. That my dreams of reconnecting and repairing the burned bridge will be lost. I know this isn't True and these are simply my thoughts and feelings.
There is no burned bridge, there is no loss of love. What I feel aching deep within me though is a hole. And it is shaped like you. Nothing else can fill it. You were what felt like the only one there the first 11 years of my life and then gone. Whether our relationship was "healthy" or not didn't matter to me. You were what love looked like. I didn't understand, was never told why and still lack clarity as to why you never came back. Were you offended that I wanted to live with my mom? Were you ashamed of the way you treated us so you thought avoiding me would make it go away? Was I too much of a burden to fight for? Why? Why did you leave and never come back? Even when I showed up 20 years later at your sisters funeral. You didn't recognize me and then acted like everything was normal in front of everyone else. I left you with a card, pictures of my children and all my contact information so you had no reason or excuse to not reach out. I waited for weeks... months... now years to hear from you. Nothing. I still haven't changed my number in case you might call.
The pain that aches inside of me comes from a belief that your absence is my fault. That I'm simply not lovable enough, I did something wrong and you aren't willing to work through it together. It's a lie! No matter what, you are the father, my father and I deserve to be fought for. We all do! I am still the child, your child. I have spent years and years working on my Self only to find that I am just as lovable and deserving as the day I was born. Just like you! I sure wish you could see that in your Self too.
I hear the words of Billie Eilish (realizing you may not know who she is) she sings "If I could change the way that you see yourself," and I weep. I weep for everyone who doesn't see their Truth & beauty. I know what that feels like and I hated it. I hated it so much that I kept trying to run from it and eventually kill it. Drugs, alcohol, men... anything that would distract me from the pain of believing that there was something wrong with me and therefore unlovable.
But here's the happy ending... I stayed. I never left. My Self or you. We have always been connected. The bridge never burned because there was never a bridge. Our Oneness is inseparable. I don't always feel that way and that's ok. I can remember again. I know I am blessed to see this differently. But I was also determined. Something deeeeeeep inside me knew better. Knew that I was meant to live fully awake and connected. That no amount of drugs, alcohol or men could ever fill the illusionary hole in my heart. There was no hole. There was nothing missing. You and I have always been One with God. With the Universe.
I choose to now live in Union with my Self first. Then I am able to be deeply connected to those I choose to have close to me. The ones that show up lovingly. Humbly. Also willing to look at their own Self and reflect upon their hearts, beliefs and feelings. They are also learning how to remember their Truth. The Truth of us all. No one is separate. No one is less than. When we Know this, we act accordingly... which is Loving. We spread the light of goodness that we are to the World. Fighting for what we believe in and the people we Love. I'm still fighting for you dad. I will never give up! Because I know the darkness we all share is one in the same. I can forgive myself for ever forgetting that I AM THE LOVE I SEEK.
Your baby girl