Today while at The Den Coffeehouse... One of my many jobs that I have to fulfill my curiosities, desire to be of service and truly to pay the bills... I thought to myself; Would I rather
make decisions based on 1. fear of disappointing another or 2. doing what feels good? Now this questions seems rather obvious. But is it really? Ask yourself, when I want to go for a walk, do I just go? Or, when someone you love says they want you to come with them and watch a basketball game... which do you choose? Now I understand that sometimes we want to spend time with another person but this isn't talking about that. Mostly because I don't believe watching anything is truly spending time with another person. This is more about the choice point in which we get to look at what we really want to do with our time. What truly gives us joy. You see, my favorite thing to do in life is to dance. Move my body & connect to the rhythm of the Universe. And yet I sit here tonight not being able to clearly identify the last time I rolled my body through the sound of music. I can kind of recall a beautiful evening I had awhile back during a sweet cacao ceremony with an wondrous DJ from Berlin. I digress; because what I'm trying to bring light to is how often we sacrifice what really feels good for us as individuals for what we think will feel good through another. It is filling that imaginary hole within us with something outside of us. You know the saying, square peg- round hole. It doesn't work.
I find that it somehow fills a bit of me, little by little. And that creates a false sense of satisfaction that allows me to continue down this path for a long time until one day I notice that I am actually starving. Myself. I can project this suffering onto others and pretend that there is someone to blame, but in reality... I did this to my Self. No one forced me to go watch the basketball game... no one said I had to give up that beautiful walk to participate in something I have no genuine interest in... other than the human who invited me. No! I chose to abandon my Self for the sake of avoiding disappointment. Which by the way is also something I made up. Because like the initial problem... It is only a problem if I make it one. Often times we make very big (sometimes seemingly small) assumptions and from that assumption we create major conflict within us. It grows to be so large that it spills from our insides to the outside. Then... we experience conflict and get to prove ourselves right. This is done all of our own making. It is crazy I know. At least that is my judgment because it goes against everything I have ever learned. I learned to take responsibility for other peoples feelings. To jump in the hole with them when they are down. To help them see the way. THIS IS ALL WRONG! And insane might I add. The way I see it (today) - If we could all take full responsibility for our own emotions, beliefs & happiness, to truly know that we are made of love, from love & by love... then we would rid the world of anything other than love.
I am spirit having a human experience... it seems radical to dream that we can expand and integrate to a level of such understanding & knowing but I am willing to do the work myself & help others who are willing too.
Tonight I was ready & willing to let go of the old belief that I am the home of evil, darkness and sin. To release the idea that I am the source of pain and suffering and no matter how hard I try, I can never be any good. I continue to let go of the belief that I am fundamentally flawed and that I will never get this (life) right. I Choose Again and remember the truth of who I am. I am love. I am whole and complete. My innocence is guaranteed by God and inherent. Nothing I ever do or don't do can change the essence of my being.
May I choose to remember the truth. No Matter What!
... and know that this IS true joy & peace.