This blog began back in June... It is now July and so much has evolved already. This is the magic of our existence when we allow things to flow and be honest IN the moment. Time is irrelevant. What I say here is still True for me now... continue reading to hear about my heart felt, honest evolution.
I want you to meet my girlfriend. And not forget my boyfriend. She's not my friend girlfriend... but my Girlfriend. My Lover. My beautiful mirror and manifestation of a lifetime dream I once never imagined being possible.
I'll start with her name. It is Mandi. But really Amanda.
Here are some labels she may receive from the world... She is a teacher, mother, sister, daughter, friend, Earth advocate, ocean cleaner, entrepreneur, artist, creatrix, badass pride lovin', flaming Lesbian. She use to be a wife, a drinker, a hider, a mask wearer and like many of us, afraid of her own light. Over the years she has began to unravel from the self imposed fibers we all have agreed to wear in one way or another. She decided that the weight of the mask and armor was too much of a burden and that in order to be her True Free Self... she had to leave the old life she created. Mandi had to set sail and let go of the shores of comfort to truly express her hearts desires. The funny thing is... we only really just met. Well, in this lifetime anyway. We say we are just picking up from when we left off in our past lives together. She is one of the truest mirrors I've ever encountered. Our mannerisms are eerily similar. We say the same things at the same time. Our patterns and passions are awkwardly alike too. And if you saw us together, you may even say we look alike. Same height, shoe size and maybe shirt size too lol! We both have sensory shit, don't like short sleeve shirts unless they're droopy and soft. I know all of this is neat but you're probably waiting for the nitty gritty... So here it goes...
As many of you now know, I publicly announced my queerness last year. Not a surprise for most. A few months back I shared that I was Polyamorous. This term and it's evolving definition was and is still new to me. And the more I read, the more I resonate from the earliest of relational memories.
So fast forward to now... we met online. A funny fluke of fate as neither of us were very confident in the idea that we would really find anyone of real interest. We both thought it would be fun and help pass some time during quar life. Long story short, we found each other. Mandi was the only woman on there that stopped me in my tracks. Took my breath away and her words were like an anchor to the energy that was already rising within. She spoke of things that really mattered to me and that was super sexy! So I took the bait ;) I sent her a message and I think within a day or two, she responded. We were fast friends with an organic connection. This was both heart centered and of chemical creation. I wanted her. Like seriously. I still do ;) This is my Now... I'm currently sitting on her couch, listening to music we both drip over, her cats howling in heat and we keep giggling over it. Relating. Mandi is in her bedroom finishing up emails to her students about her Ocean cleanup event tomorrow. Yes she is that dope! This is the first day/ night together with no interruptions of kids, vaginas shedding, schedules or otherwise. But I suppose writing more on that matter may need a warning label with an agreement that you're 18 years or older :P
She just finished what she had to get done, so I will be back to finish this tomorrow... (or now- a month and some later)
Well, I can tell you that time together was beautiful, magical and breath taking. What I've come to realize for me is that I explore my connection to God through many modalities. One being sensuality, sex and intimacy. I got to have that experience with this Divine creature. She met me in that space with an openness I also share. A surrender and Trust that one displays when they Truly Know their place in this realm. We got to explore our Self with God through another. Seriously?! What is this life if nothing other than a huge playground to explore our senses with bliss and joy?!
So fast forward from June 5th to this weekend. It has been several weeks since we were able to see each other. Our schedules have been incredibly full and conflicting. This has given us more space and time to contemplate what we Truly desire within constructs of relationships. She and I talked from the very beginning about me being Poly... that was no surprise. Except it was :\ Meaning, we didn't expect to fall for each other like we did. We thought we would enjoy each other's company, hang sometimes and maybe share intimately... on occasion. She hadn't taken into consideration the challenge it would present for her knowing that I had my loving boyfriend at home. The one I shared my life with on the regular. The one I slept next to every night, woke up with every morning, shared vacations with and so forth. Mandi wanted more. More than I was available for and rightfully so. I too wanted that for her. She deserves what her heart longs for. This is healthy entitlement!! I also was realizing that I wanted different things that she was not open to. And so this began the state of evolution, negotiation, ups and downs, frustrations, tears, laughter, confusion, clarity... all the things.
Yesterday I spent the morning in breathwork. I met with my angels, spoke with God, cried for my humanness, heard divine messages and got really clear. I know it is possible to Love someone and know that we are not meant to be together (maybe forever, maybe for right now) but that it does no good to cling. To try and hold onto something that was never yours. You see, Mandi did not give me this experience... I did. The lessons buried beneath the behavior is exactly what I needed. There was nothing wrong with this situation. She is not lacking. I am not too much. We just weren't aligning in our Earthly desires and that is ok.
So Mandi and I had a beautiful and honest chat last night about all things considered. We had both been sensing this and trying to force a square peg into a round hole the last couple weeks. Last night we were lovingly honest. This morning I couldn't stop thinking of her. I felt frustrated and annoyed! I sat with the feelings and processed them. These feelings come from a belief that something has gone wrong, I am missing something (lacking), something I love is being taken from me (I can lose love) and that it isn't fair (victim!) Thank God I Know what is True and I can spend the rest of my day remembering that. And not just for me but for all of us who have ever felt this way! I am not losing Love... It is impossible to lose what I am. Nothing has been taken from me or her. We have given each other the gift of True Love by honoring one another. By seeing One another as Whole & complete and deserving of their desires. By not clinging to or assigning someone a task of fulfillment.
We were standing in our Light, Power and Love! This is radical and worth every bit of it!
I love you Mandi! You are an incredible woman and worthy of your greatest desires. I'm honored to be a witness and mirror in this lifetime... until next time my sweets!
*** If you would like to learn how to live True to your Self... centered & empowered by Your Truth, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Live by your True Desire!