The thought of seeing you turns my stomach. I feel nauseous. Anxious. Like my guts are being ripped out. Really… like I’m gonna die. You are the representation of my beliefs. You are the circumstances for which my mind has been trained to collect the evidence to prove i am right. But who is the i that wants to be right? It is not I. Or eye. But the m-i-nd. The ego. The thinker. The thought maker. It is not the One. It is not the Self who Knows there is no separation. No need to fear. No death. Only Love.
And so it goes like this… I shake, I tremble.
I cry then shit. Because my guts are freaking out. I process. Relief comes. It’s fleeting. This one is deep. The current that floods my view and carries me away with it. But does it? Oh shit, that’s just more sight from the i and not Me. I am not powerless and weak. I am not at the mercy of these fears and beliefs. I am One with all power. Limitless and connected. Divinely supported and inherently worthy. This belief is NOT MINE! It will not take me. Fuck this lie. It does not serve me. I am not the mercy of these thoughts. They do not define me.
I begin to relax. I can wipe my ass now. Get off this fucking toilet and slip into the bath…
To be continued. I need to get the bath going and figure out where this is going. My nervous system feels like it has been hijacked!
I hear you pull in the driveway. My stomach turns. I feel afraid of you walking in. I recognize this as an upset feeling and remember it’s mine. My beliefs cause my feelings.
I fill the tub. Repeatedly concerned for your arrival. You don’t show. Naturally that triggers me too. Duh! My mind is set on collecting evidence that I am unimportant therefore unsafe. I am like a raw clitoris, jumpy and overstimulated. It feels like I need shelter. I get in the bath. The warmth immediately soothes my body. I begin to feel my body. I’ve left her because I believe it’s not safe here. That’s another lie.
I begin to process. What do I feel? I feel sad. Angry. It seems like I’ve been lied to and betrayed. I let myself feel that. It aches. My jaw tightens. My throat hurts. I want to run. I find myself distracted. I keep coming back to the feeling so I can remember the first time I felt this way. What was happening and who was there? What did I make it mean about me for being in that situation?
I remember my ex. I remember all the unfulfilled promises. The broken agreements. Yes but when was the first time I felt that way? Ah yes. I felt this as an infant. When my mother and father couldn’t show up for me in the way I wanted or needed. The way we’ve been programmed to believe is necessary or we will suffer and die. This is the primal and biological programming of the immature mind.
Next I received a text from a sacred sister. I am going to utilize the system that is innately and so perfectly placed in my life to help me rip this fucker out and see the Truth. Waiting for her to call me now.
He just walked in. I begin to leave my body again. Breathing deeply to stay here. Tears come. Guilt. I want to tell him but I can’t. I do not want to project guilt. He asks if there’s anything he can do other than leave me alone. I lie and say no. Maybe it is the Truth. Maybe it’s not. I don’t know right now because I’m disconnected from my own Truth. I cannot see it when I’m dedicated to the lie. I breathe with a tremble. Stay here I say to myself. You are safe. This is for you. Remember what is True.
I keep finding myself focusing on something outside myself. How the circumstance could be different. If only he could (fill in the blank!) I catch this. I see it. Regroup. Breathe. Step 2 says this upset belongs to me. It’s my feeling. What does it say about me?
I go back to my memory.
He just came back in. This time he knows why I’m triggered and sounds panicked. I asked him to let me finish processing before we talk. He tries to console me and I know this is his defense because he too believes that he’s guilty. I feel sick. Friend isn’t responding now. I Know I can do this.
Going into the memory. Surrendering to being exactly where I’m supposed to be. Text comes in from the friend right as I am typing this. I put this down to focus on my healing.
I just spent nearly 45 minutes processing on the phone with one of my favorite mirrors. One of the Womxn in my life that is part of my entourage. She is a powerful reminder and has the words that resonate with me when I am in a triggered state. When I have forgotten.
I sob. I gasp. I tremble. My jaw chatters. This one is deep. As I near the end I referred to it like the blackberry roots that run long and deep into the Earth's soil. I had to dig. This feeling is not new. Nor does it have anything to do with the current circumstances. It is old and well fed. This one has been silently, subconsciously feeding itself my entire life. This belief is that I can be betrayed. Affected. Harmed. Neglected. Lied to. Hurt. Left. Abandoned. Forgotten. That love is a lie.
I am separate from the Oneness. It’s happening to me and it’s all my fault.
I am a GUILTY FUCKING VICTIM!
Two sides. Same coin. The words that come out as I begin the forgiveness process are these:
Forgive me for believing that I AM my body and unsafe. I listen to my friend. Kind of. I am going in and out. Leaving my body. Coming back to my body. The water is good for me. It helps me stay in the moment with myself. She reminds me of what is True. She does NOT co sign my bullshit and cheerlead my suffering. Her voice is tender and kind. I sense her sincerity and love. She reflects my belief back to me. This helps me to remember in a deeper way. I speak to my inner child. I remind her that she is forever safe in the arms of God. That she is not her body or what happened to it. She is Love and the essence that animates this beautiful body is limitless and eternal. Nothing can change that. I feel my shoulders relax and my jaw soften. I continue going in and checking until my body is at complete peace and ease. There is huuuuge relief. My mind (ego) keeps trying to have an opinion here. Getting hung up on the current story. Remembering agreements and expectations. Grasping for reasons to stay upset. It’s familiar. It’s been the new normal and familiarity can trick us into thinking it’s comfortable. But it’s not. At all!! I stay disciplined to the Truth. I know I am worthy of Peace and that Joy is my birthright. My beloved sister stays with me… helping to redirect my toddler mind that wants to tantrum. Lovingly redirecting me. I call this bowling lane bumpers. Just gently bouncing back to my center. After a few rounds of digging up the old, soiled, ugly, decaying beliefs… I come to a place of remembrance. With every expression and symbol of Truth, my mind begins to settle. Then the body follows and my nervous system returns to a state of rest and digest. This whole thing is exhilarating and exhausting.
To finish the process I say... Forgive me for forgetting that I am the love and safety I seek. My mirror says… Thank God that is the Truth. Forgive me for forgetting that I AM love & safety. Pull me in deeper to the Universal Truth. I Am everything I ever wanted and needed. I am an extension of light. Here to be the Love of the Universe. And that is pretty damn magical.
I find my place of neutrality. No longer spiraling in the story. Not attached to what was or will be. Simply here now. This is where I can move forward into a loving conversation with my beloved partner. My holy innocent mirror.
So I text you and tell you to come up and talk if you’d like. Your response is nothing shy of sweet. “Of course my love.” You walk in the room and my body is peaceful. No more writhing of my insides. No more need to run from the building. I see your heart and your light and I am at Peace. I am at peace because I know it is mine. We have a beautiful conversation about what happened, where my beliefs took me and what a gift it was for me to be triggered in that way. I was honest and told you that I didn’t like the way I felt and had you been here right when I was triggered, things may have gone down a little differently. But I Knew you were not guilty and had not “done me wrong.” It was an exercise of convincing my nervous system and I needed it. Just like you needed to know that you were not guilty nor responsible for anyone else’s feelings or reactions. We had a calm and thoughtful discussion about our commitments and if they were still aligning for us. They were and so we talked about how to honor that for ourselves. It is not about doing what the other person wants us to do but rather us doing what we know is the most loving thing for our Self… together.
That night when we laid in bed, I felt a sense of Peace & connection that was incredible. We made love and consummated the liberation we both remembered. We are holy innocent, worthy & free. Lovable & safe in the infinite essence of our existence. In that space we dissolve into our nothingness through breath, beauty and extensions of love.
He is not the problem because he is me. We are One. The love I seek is me. Forever Safe with Divinity!