This is coming to you live from the center of my achy heart. It is a beautiful Monday morning. My babies are still sleeping and the sun is shining. I have my glorious cup of Love by my side and my dog is at my feet. The sound of worldly music softly playing in the background. So why am I feeling weepy today? Seems like it is time to release this heavy thing I've been carrying around for way too long. It is time to let go of....
me. The self made identity that I assigned myself as a little person. What?! What does that even mean?? I know it's a bit deep for a Monday morning so I'll back up a little bit.
When I was a little girl I got a lot of attention for being pretty. For having dimples. For smiling big enough. For being tough and being able to "run with the boys." I heard boys talk about how cool I was for being able to throw a football. I heard the girls be jealous for how strong, pretty or talented I was. I heard everyone compare me to others and put me on a pedestal for "doing/ looking/ performing" to their standard. So... I made this mean that that is how I gained value. By being seen or viewed as important because of how impressed others could be by my character. I never Knew to look within and seek my inherent value given to me by my Creator. That was never something anyone ever talked about. Or at least that I remember.
So I've spent my life trying to be just enough but not too much. I didn't want it to appear as if I was trying too hard because that is gross (insert eye roll.) I didn't want to appear as if I didn't care at all because that is gross (another eye roll.) So I kept myself "good enough."
I just wanted to be enough.
But... enough of what? Have you ever thought to ask yourself; Who am I really trying to be enough for and what is enough?
Well I have... I've spent a lot of my recent years really digging into what this all means. For me- enough is really about Knowing my inherent Lovability. To Know I belong and that I am worthy of the Love that I am. There is no doing anything that creates this lovability. There is no "undoing" it either. I can't change what God has embedded in my existence. Our existence. And when I Truly Know this, when you Truly Know this... We act accordingly. We stop searching for approval. We stop fearing judgment. We no longer engage in situations, circumstances or relationships that no longer align with our heart. And we do all of this without guilt or shame. This doesn't mean we abandon our lives and walk away from everything we know. This means we have a shift in the way that we See our world. And yes... sometimes we do walk away. But not from a place of rejection and fear but one of love and release.
Today I celebrate 12 years of sobriety and as I type this the tears well up in my eyes and I now Know why I am weepy. I've spent the last 12 years working really diligently to find Me. Not me but ME! The holy one within this body. I once believed she was so broken and unrepairable. That I would forever be fractured for all to see. The scars of my past would be displayed on my body and sleeve for all to judge. I'm so glad to Know that is not True. It never has been. Who I am is glorious and worthy of celebrating. I don't have to have others in my life that believe that but I do and it certainly helps keep my ego fed. It helps to hear someone say... "I SEE YOU! And I love and accept who you are!" Then to believe it ;)
This is my work. Today I will be celebrating and symbolizing this release with a huge release. One that scares me and excites me all at the same time. And more tears come as I imagine this exercise. I'm going to leave a little mystery here and not spoil the surprise. You'll just have to wait and see hehe! I know that's kinda fucked up but if you're reading this... You know that's how I roll sometimes! I enjoy keeping things fun and a little exciting!
Cheers to celebrating our Truth and choosing to symbolize it in the ways that feel good for you! I want to hear more from those of you who take the time to read these... so I have a request...
COMMENT BELOW w/ things you do that symbolize release. Let's share and maybe inspire one another to participate in this practice. Letting go of things that no longer serve us. To support the sensation of our inherent freedom! Let's all be our True Loving Selves.
Wild & Free!!
*** If you would like to learn how to live True to your Self... centered & empowered by Your Truth, please contact me at email@example.com
Live by your True Desire!
7/28/2021 08:13:57 am
So Beautiful Aiua! Every single one of your words resonated deeply with me. I too had lived a life trying to be so good but not too good, memorable but not too memorable. Thinking that my worth was somehow tied to what I had, or what I did and doing and having more was a constant unreachable finish line. Letting go, surrendering and accepting that I alone can not 'fix' myself has been the greatest gift. My discovery of my HP, my yoga practice, my breathwork, my recovery work and the Serenity prayer are my go-too's for releasing and letting go and shedding more of my unnecessary protective layers. Finding ME has been hard work and will continue to be a life-long work of self-love and inquiry. Thank you again for sharing! xoxo
8/11/2021 08:37:09 pm
When I see you (or as I am reading your words), I feel like I see YOU, sense YOU. And honestly, its beautiful beyond the earthly standards.
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