This one is long... be prepared. But how else do you explain the lessons from a threesome???

I'm sitting here at my kids school in what use to be the lunch room. He is in "Sports & Games" class with Mr. P. It is his first day back since March of 2020! However, we are homeschooling now and using a Parent Partnered Program. Which is a fancy way of saying a publicly supported homeschool program. It is actually incredibly rad! I wish I had this growing up. Curriculum catered to their natural born gifts and preferences. Of course there's still standard classes but they do their best and aren't even graded. Anyhow... I'm here. Finally sitting at my laptop. Something I've rarely done over the last month... nearly two. And yet, the idea of trying to explain everything that has transpired in the last 90 days seems more like a book job. Because... well there was a lot! Like, a lot, a lot! But for the sake of following through with my last newsletter, I'll put some major bullet points out there. My squirrelly brain is trying to find things to get distracted by... this is hilarious! Gah! The resistance is thick with this one... hang on a minute. The sun is blazing through the windows and is incredibly beautiful but I can't really see my screen. I need to move. BRB *wink

 I know, I know... you don't actually have to wait because we're not actually in a conversation but that's how I usually write my posts. By acting as if I'm sitting down having a chat with someone.

Am I annoying you yet with my delays?! lol! You're welcome ;) hahaha! Seriously though... I'm getting there. I promise.

Moved locations. Now sitting on the bench outside his robotics class. And it really seems like I should wait until I get home to dive in. I did however just exchange a few text with Mandi. I told her I was returning to this subject. We shared some beautiful Truths about what has happened for her and I through this whole experience. 

And my daughter just showed up so I’ll be back when I’m home and able to sit with my thoughts! 
*** several hours later
Ok. Ok. So I'm home now. With my thoughts :P Kinda. I feel like it's so hard at times to try and convey what is so vastly important and moving for me here. I know you all (or most of you) would like to hear the juicy details of our ménage a trois and I totally get that. It was hot! And I too love reading about such adventures. Yet, this "thing" is so much more than that. And realistically has a lot to do with my Psilocybin Ceremony I did the week after this spectacular encounter. 

So here is the punch line: I no longer have this insatiable need to seek, pursue, fish, scout, explore, hunt, prowl, ransack, track down, chase or dig for something outside me to make me feel good. 

I've had to ask my Self why. Why did this change? What happened? I mean, I'm grateful but whoa did it rock me and the world I had created with others who were use to me behaving that way. Insert awkward looking face ;) #sorrynotsorry

Because I had (again) made my efforts look really pretty and well intended. I am still doing this. As I am still human. I just have a deeper awareness of it now. Every effort in this human experience for me is simply that. Proof to my mind that I am "good." Gah! That's a rabbit hole if there ever was one... so let me get back to the nitty-gritty. 

Most of you know Mandi by now. She is a human I connected with and began dating back in April. Or something like that. Patrick is my partner, boyfriend, lover, best friend, house mate... and more. He is on board with me in my full expression. In other words... he is good with me having a relationship with Mandi. At this stage I begin to learn  how to navigate the poly world with grace. Or at least try. We identify as a poly-mono "V." This simply means that Patrick and Mandi are both monogamous with me and I am poly with the two of them. This is different than being "open." If you have questions about that, I'm happy to refer you to great resources. Or schedule a session and we can talk ;) In this dynamic, neither of them are interested in engaging with anyone else. And more specifically, with each other. There was tension there. Mostly unspoken but I felt it. Everyone was learning and unlearning. As things evolved with Mandi and I, I questioned my sexuality at first, feared it creating conflict for Patrick and I and eventually felt so tremendously in Love with him that I knew nothing could shake that. As time passed, I shared with them both about my desires and fantasies. The things I had always felt excited by but never thought I'd have a partner or partners to support that world that lived inside my head. Sometimes Mandi would be shocked and have to process. Patrick was mostly observant and curious but always assured me that we would work through anything together. Again, this was something that Truly allowed me to fully explore the wildness of my sexually creative mind. I felt Free within my partnership. After some time had passed and I had discussed with them the desire to have a thr33s0m3, Mandi made it very clear that she was NOT interested. Patrick on the other hand had said that he would not oppose it if it came up. My scheming brain saw this as an opening- opportunity. hehehe. But then Mandi and I started to part ways. Mostly our schedules and distance posed the challenge and my realization that I didn't have the energetic capacity to manage two separate, emotional, intimate relationships. I was learning. He was learning. She was learning. This was all really good and FUCKING TRIGGERING! There were many days/ nights where I would be continually looking at my beliefs around this. Seeing guilt come up over and over. We are taught that you can't eat your cake and have it too. But I chose to SEE that I'm the mother fucking baker! LOL!!! And why not?! I still believe this but it didn't come without lots of reality checks. I am one person. They are two people. There's that obvious one but so many more. What mattered the most though, was that I did not want what I said I wanted. I had changed my mind! You hear that???? 

I CHANGED MY MIND!!!

BTW... this was prefaced in the very beginning with Mandi and Patrick. I knew that I was learning and exploring but couldn't know exactly until I had tried and seen how I felt. Well, I felt exhausted and often triggered. I could see what was there and it offered me clarity on how to move forward. So I communicated that with Mandi. I said things that I was afraid to say. I told her where I was and what I could offer her. She knew and agreed that there was nothing wrong with that. Patrick was supportive through the whole thing. At one point he said to me, "I see the roller coaster you've created for yourself and I'm going to just stay over here and love you." I was so fucking proud and honored. 

This created space. This space, as Esther Perel points out, leaves room for mystery. Mystery is exciting and a huge turn on for me. So... when Mandi came to visit after not seeing each other for almost 2 months, I was excited to see her but also resolved to not over extend myself. I set some (somewhat awkward/ new) boundaries around where I was at, what I had capacity for and she hesitatingly agreed to visit anyway. The next day (when she was actually coming over) I felt a lot better and more energetic, therefore not needing most of them but it was good that they were in place. It gave me space to just relax and have no expectations. Something that I would like to do for myself and others more often. 

So... Mandi arrived, we went to our neighbors beach house where we were dog sitting at that time, just her and me. We sat on the deck over the water, talked, caught up on life, discussed where I was at and what had changed. Eventually we came in the house to get a snack. That is where we began to connect more intimately again. Reconnecting without the distractions of our worlds was sweet. Tender. Reminding. It felt nice and fun. No added meaning or attachment. Liberating sexual activity! Woot woot!! Then I remembered that she was leaving soon. So I brought it up and it was getting dark. I remember her words as if they were just spoken. She said, "Well I don't have to leave." 

WHAT?! WAIT!? My brain immediately thought of Patrick's opening and then I'm hearing potential for Mandi to sleep over. At our house. With no kids around!!!! My genitals were jumping for joy!! Yep, I just said that. lol!!

So I said, "You know I immediately start fretting over where everyone will sleep." To which she replied, "Whatever, Patrick can let us have the bed." I reminded her that I would never do that to him. It is our home. So either we all share the bed with no funny business or we don't have a sleep over. Then I asked her, "What do you think about letting Patrick watch us?" She laughed awkwardly and I looked at her earnestly ;) I was dead serious. Which also kinda sucked timing wise... because I was on my period (insert sobbing face here!) She said, "alright." Before she could change her mind, I already had sent Patrick a text asking him what he thought. He thought it sounded alright ;) I'd like to mention that I repeatedly reminded everyone that they didn't have to do anything they didn't want to. There was several check points throughout this experience on consent. Well, all except with myself which I'll get to. So that was that. Mandi and I were heading back to Patrick and my place for a sleepover. What happened next was more surprising to me than anyone.

We had a threesome. I was triggered. I cried a lot. The end.

JUST KIDDING!

We got there, got settled and awkwardly conversed about nothing important for a little bit. Then we all sat on the couch. We talked in length and depth (hehe #12yearold dirty mind here lol) about where we all stood. We talked about what our previous thoughts had been, why we were considering doing anything, how we felt currently, the awkwardness of it all, what boundaries we had, how we all could change our mind at anytime, the possibility of just going to bed and doing nothing. I specifically spoke to my own desires and wanted them to know I had no expectations for anything to happen. Mandi shared openly about where she stood and what she was considering. Patrick shared about where he was and also shared no expectations. We all held our own power to choose for ourselves what we wanted individually and collectively. It was really important to each of us that no one felt pressured or obligated. It was beautiful. Funny and awkward at times for sure but helpful too. I was also reading one of the books I mention as a resource while sitting there with them. It was helpful because I could look things up as they were talking. We decided that we would go to bed and created a signal for Mandi to use if she was open to the three of us "playing." 

But I'm pretty sure we already knew ;)

So, here is the nutshell version because I honestly believe that this is an experience that one needs to have for themselves to fully understand the depths of their own Soul. If you so choose but by no means does everyone need this!! And when I say "this," just know that there are so many different variations of IT!

We got into bed. Not much clothing to begin with. All of us giggling off and on about what was happening. I was in the middle of course. I had my hand on both their bodies. I felt an energy run through me like I've never felt before. It was intoxicating, invigorating, enlivening and Truly magical! I remember breathing really deep. Moments, seconds, millennia later... Mandi rolled over and kissed me. THE SIGN!!! Fireworks went off in my body. This is really happening. 

OH FUCK! OH FUCK! OH FUCK! I said to myself, just breathe woman. Stay present. We began to kiss more and touch each other's bodies. I was still using my leg to stay connected to Patrick. Then I rolled over on top of her. It was too dark to see very well so I couldn't tell if Patrick was watching, enjoying it or freaking out. Until I could. I could feel his energy. The collective energy. It wasn't resonating for everyone. I checked in with Mandi and asked her if she was ok with me engaging him. She said she was. I went to reach for him right as he was getting up and leaving the bed. He said, "don't stop. I'll be right back." So we continued but my mind was with him. I was worrying and not present with Mandi. He came back and I asked him if he was ok. He hesitated and I could tell he was not enjoying himself. I could tell Patrick didn't want to "ruin" things and was trying to avoid saying what he needed to say which was that he felt left out. That watching the two of us together was not a turn on. Luckily for him (and Us) we were just shifting over to engage him. This first kiss with him felt like a circuit completing. I wanted to be engaged with him the entire time. I was still subconsciously performing in a way that I thought it would "give me what I wanted." These lessons are all hindsight!!! 
This is where it all begins to blur for me. It was nearly 2 months ago now so give a girl a break. I will say it was incredibly beautiful. My fantasy was (nearly) satisfied... remember I'M ON MY PERIOD *sobbing face!

Feeling into the two of these humans and the soiree that was happening was deeply fulfilling, gratifying and satisfying! What I wasn't paying attention to was the subtle (because who can in this space... just kidding... I needed to and bypassed for the sake of the party... based on a belief that it's my fault and I can't complain now... based on a belief that I'm a guilty victim... more on that if you want to learn just email me :P ) triggers that showed up from time to time. Then... well, then there was the ultimate trigger. After "playing" for nearly an hour or more, my beloved was climbing to climax. He was doing it in a way that my mind had given HUGE meaning and was really not ok for me. He orgasmed and I was in complete freeze and flight. I sat outside my body and watched me "do what a good girl would do" and not say anything. Don't rock the boat. Avoid conflict. Appease the people and keep the peace.

I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. Instead I just sat there, catering to the post sex care and listening to them laugh, make awkward jokes to self soothe and I began to seethe. I grabbed a towel. I went to sit back down but "where?" my mind thought. "Where do I belong NOW? Everything has changed. I'm useless. Why did I even do this? What the fuck was I thinking? What's wrong with me? I'm such an idiot!" They sensed something was wrong when I was incredibly awkward. They asked what was wrong and I couldn't really speak. The only words that I remember coming out were, "Well, I'm triggered. I need to go downstairs for a bit." And so I got up and left. I left my two lovers, naked, in our bed to go have a massive AND necessary tantrum.

I went two flights down to our basement. I grabbed my sweater and went and sat out on the back patio. I began to weep, then cry and eventually sob uncontrollably. I felt like I needed one or all of my people, my support system... Only it was two or three in the morning. Only I had forgotten that I was worthy of being supported and didn't call any one of them. But felt like I couldn't. I pulled out every fucking tool in my tool box on this one. I was shaking. The tears wouldn't stop. I could barely breathe or keep up with the amount of dark thoughts rolling through my head. I let myself just fucking have this one for awhile. Then... I caught a glimpse of myself. Sitting on the back patio in nothing but my favorite sweater and underwear. Underwear I only have on because of my fucking period! I judged myself as pathetic. I brought this on myself. Telling myself that they only did this for me. Then I saw another side of Me. This is that Miracle moment. This is when God is holding me in integrity! When there's just a moment of pause where I can breathe without the pain of my body, when I can see clearly what IS True. I Knew I had everything I needed to get through this. I began to slow my breathing, I began to feel into my body, I remembered the first time I felt this way, I saw my beliefs (as best I could in that moment) and I began to come Home to the Truth. Remembering what is divinely True about me and everyone. I also started tapping with this. Something I learned from a dear friend. I spoke with my teachers, Angels and Great Spirit to guide me back to my place of Peace. As I started to come back to my body, I could feel that I was getting cold and came inside. Right as I entered the door I could see Patrick standing there. He wrapped his arms around me. I began to sob again. Going back into my story and feelings. He was simply a symbol of an old and untrue belief I had (have) about myself. We sat on the couch and he asked what he could do. I don't even remember what I said. I do remember that he tried to console me. I felt mad. I knew he was doing that because he has a belief that he is responsible (for my feelings/ fill in the blank.) Which he isn't. I asked him to please stop trying to make me feel better. Reminded him that he isn't responsible for the way I was feeling. He understood. We've been speaking this language together from the beginning. Thank goodness! After some time I was able to gather myself and return to our bedroom. I was still on autopilot. I didn't really realize this until later. More lessons here. I shared with Mandi some version of what was going on but I also wasn't fully aware of this HUGE invitation to heal. IT WAS  FUCKING DEEEEEP!!

Fast forward, we talk and I share with them a tasteful version of what had come up for me. Still pretty intense but not nearly as transparent as I could have been at that time. That version was about feeling left out, not included and really triggering my beliefs in being disposable. These are patterns from my childhood that I've continued to collect evidence towards in my adult life. Choosing to surround myself with people who don't "get me," or trying to force relationships with people who are not available. Sound familiar? Only this time, none of that was happening. And in reality, it has never happened. I had simply learned to only value myself when I'm seemingly useful to another. In other words, my worth is only established by someone else. And thank God that's impossible.

We spent the next twelve hours or so "playing." Some of which was incredibly healing. Other's were also triggering. I learned a lot about myself that night/ morning/ day... lol!!! 

Mandi left after we had gone to town and had lunch. I can't even tell you what happened the rest of the day but I know I retreated. I was somewhat numb. Still triggered while also incredibly grateful and baffled. Pure awe I suppose.

It wasn't actually until a couple days later that I was revisiting the story with a friend and got triggered again that I could really sit with and process the deepest seeded belief I feel I have ever uncovered. 

Patrick held space for me. We had planned to just veg out and watch Netflix. No Netflix & chill this time ;) I said I needed to really process so he grabbed his books and got ready. I sat with my feelings (step 3 in the Six Steps to Freedom,) I followed them back to the origin... when did I first feel this way? I had a memory come up. It was excruciating. I allowed myself to just cry. The tears were like a continuous stream that is well fed by a massive ocean of emotions. Years and years, lifetimes of pain just pouring down my face. I didn't need to think any further about what was there. It was so clear to me. I had to remember what was True and correct this mistake within my mind. I had to complete the incomplete. Resolve the unresolved. Heal the mind.

I had to remember... I'VE NEVER BEEN LEFT. I AM not separate from God. 

I. Have. Never. Been. Left. I am not separate from anyone or anything. The Universe did not cast me aside because I've done something wrong. I am not guilty. I can not be abandoned.

I AM AS PERFECT & INNOCENT AS THE DAY I WAS BORN! Just like you.

This is the one that really fucking rocks me! So many other spawning's of this one shitty belief about my Self. 

I heal this belief by remembering my inherent Truth. My essence. What was divinely created and unchangeable. My actions cannot change what the Universe created as Eternal. When I Know this, I act accordingly. Why wouldn't I? 

For years I believed there was something wrong with me so I acted that way. Either trying to prove that it wasn't True by being really good or succumbing to the tragedy of this lie and behaving badly. This is how it works. But now I've learned better and can let all those old, un-serving beliefs & habits go. Phew! Right?! Buuuut sometimes changing old habits can be really challenging so it takes practice and discipline. All of which is founded on Knowing I'm worth it. We have an innate sense of worthiness. I call it healthy entitlement. We are worthy of the Love that we are! We needn't seek outside ourselves for this fulfillment. This healing process is the beginning to an end of a lifetime of old unloving habits. And I'm so grateful for the lessons. No matter how painful they may be. I know I have divine strength to endure all things this life has to offer.

This realization is embedded even deeper when I had my psilocybin ceremony. More on that another time.

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