Walking away from a good man.
Today I sit on the left side of the bed. A bed we once shared for nearly 14 years. The sun is shining in through one of the panoramic windows. Windows that I fell in love with when we moved in. Specifically positioning myself to be...
in them as much as possible. Nature wraps around these windows. Full of singing birds, chirping squirrels and an occasional coyote or raccoon. There is much love here. Much comfort and familiarity. A place I've been held in some of the hardest moments of my life. Held by God, breath, moments of deep tension and certainly by his arms. He was always there when I needed him most. No matter the distance of time, space or heartache... I knew I could call on him. Then I began to awaken to the pain this caused. Yes for me but more and more for him. I'd cry out, he would come, I would feel relief and a deep sense of closeness and we would begin again. Every time convinced that this was it. This time really was when we would be able to carry through to forever.
heart break. again. Sad, sad realization of what was really in front of us. Mostly on my part while he would cling to the idea that we really could make it work. If only ____ . If only one of us was different. I wanted you to be more engaged and he wanted me to chill out. The constant struggle in tug o'war that always led to resentment, misery and exhausting sadness. The distance would grow greater and greater and I would begin to shrink inside myself. Shaming myself for wanting too much, being too much, living wildly, never settling, having too big of emotions, feeling too many feelings... all. the. things!
Until one day... not too long ago, I realized that I was free and so was he. That I was divinely strong and he was too. This is evidence of being created equal. We were not meant to tear each other down for being who we were but were being invited to accept each other. Neutral facts we like to call it in my Choose Again community. You are you and I am me. No need to fret about it.
And so I began to allow myself to open up to the possibilities for myself. Expressing myself in ways I always wished but was afraid while in relationship. Doing what felt good for me regardless of how it may be seen or judged. I began to truly honor who I was meant to be. This ebbed and flowed and continues to do so today. It feels a lot like showing up to dance class. It is new and I love the feeling but it takes time for me to work up the stamina to maintain this new way of existing.
What came next was surprising and unexpected. But not. I had been praying and manifesting this vision/ dream since I could remember. So this human appears in my life through a channel of divinity. This Divine channel I call Stephanie. She and I have known each other since we were little gymnasts in middle school. Her husband's name is Kelly and I like to joke that he is lazy af (when he never sits still) lol! They are great shall you ever be blessed with meeting them someday. I digress... back to this human. He was living on their land temporarily while he traveled and looked for his own plot. While I visited my friend from childhood and caught up on all things life related, I noticed this person. I felt their energy and witnessed them extending their love to the friends, property and life. It was sweet and refreshing. It was also terrifying and unexpected. Did I mention that I still lived with the man who held me at my worst? Yep. Separated for several months but still living together and probably not long since we last slept together! Anyhow, here is this cute, earthy guy who is helping my friend build their glorious garden all while smiling and engaging with their sweet children. I notice. It feels peaceful and nourishing. I leave after staying the weekend and don't think too much into it. Ok, maybe a little but I let it go and think if anything is meant to happen, it will. A week goes by and nothing. C'mon dude... not even going to find me on Instagram? Fb? Ask Steph for my number? hmm, ok. I remember to Trust and keep on keep'n on. Could've been fun but whatevs!
Then another couple days go by and we connect on Instagram. The short story is that we connected immediately about things we were both passionate about in life. The big dream of communal living, working on the land, garden, healing, nature, running, hiking, mindfulness, spirituality... all the things. We started talking history and such and naturally I sent him a couple quizzes to take. I had to know his astrology of coure ;) and then his Enneagram too lol! When he tried to share his results with me, they weren't coming through IG. So I just gave him my number. I told him "nicely played!" Or something to that effect. Anyhow, our dreams grew quickly and our connection even more so.
This was the time where I had to really ask myself... "How would you behave if this person was a woman?" I had already been searching for a roommate, property mate, just someone to share the expenses of life and trying to inhabit this region of the world. So why would I reject this process just because there is chemistry? These were huge questions because of the meaning I made in my head. What would my ex say or think? What would other people think of me? What would my children think and feel? OMG this is too much... I must shut it down. But, No! I didn't want to. I didn't want to reject the love that was being offered here. The reflection of love that I had been praying for and manifesting for many years. This person and opportunity was a gift that I believe reflects the tremendous amount of work I've done over the years on my Self worth. This time I Knew I deserved every bit of goodness that was being served up.
I am open to receive and to give. This Natural reciprocity is a sweet system to surrender to. It has been 66 days since he and I met and as of next month (God willing) we will be moving onto our property where we plan to build a life together. A life of connection, growth, interdependence, community, healing, play, laughter, family, friends, circles, nature, plants, animals, ceremonies, tears, nakedness, music- lots and lots of music and who knows what else.
But for today, I allow myself to feel all the feelings that rise from within. My children come in and check on me. Making sure I’m ok. Making sure they are ok. I remind them that these are cleansing tears, washing away the old stories and eroding the buildup back to the Earth… strengthening the foundation of Truth.
And so, here I sit. Grieving. On the left side of the bed. A bed we once shared for nearly 14 years. Shedding cleansing tears of old stories. Ones of loss, shame, sadness, separation, failure, abandonment, rejection, worthlessness and guilt. Processing the roots of those feelings, understanding the beliefs that were created at such an immature time and remembering what is divinely True. That I am strong, lovable, innocent, connected, One, True and Pure. And so is he. The good man that loved me and I still chose to walk away.
As a good friend and wise woman said to me this morning... "You only live once!" So I'm following my heART, Trusting the Divine and willing to practice remembering The Truth forever!
May you do the same!!